why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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