I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
