Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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