I just pynch a tree in the face
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
