Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
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Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
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I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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