I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
