she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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