i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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