i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
