meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
