Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
