How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
