my phone needs a breathalizer
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
