There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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