If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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