I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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