toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
