you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
