hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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