Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.