So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
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It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
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I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?