I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.