just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
