Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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