I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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