I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
