I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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