That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I am full of burrito and curiosity
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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