There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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