You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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