Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
