I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
