i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
