His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Success! We fucked roommates!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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