My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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