if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
