I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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