i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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