Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You're like the curious george of whores
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
