Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize