i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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