Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
