I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
