I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
