i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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