There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
