im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
