i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
