i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
