your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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