I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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