theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
