Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
