Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
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ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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