I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
