Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
